Its hard to say NO.....

Friends . . .

I want you to know how hard it is on us to say NO to you...!  I know your heart is pure and kind and so giving when you want to help us with our twins.  You want to love them through touch and attention.  You want to give them a cheerio, because goodness sakes it a cheerio.  My heart breaks though.  Kebe and Shena finally realize we are not only just 'fun machines' - we are their caregivers.  While in the orphanage they had caregivers and we were the fun.  So when we came in to see them each day, they chose to reject the nanny and smile and reach for us.  We gladly picked them up feeling so honored.  Well now here we are - at home - and we are their caregivers and YOU are now the fun.  I spend a lot of time fighting back tears as one of them gets hurt and wont look me in the eye to see my compassion as I hold them to my chest and they pull back trying to get down only after they are set down to reach back to me wanting comfort.  We are all confused and there are lots of tears in the Kellenberger home.  (mostly me) 

This is a hard time.  People want to come visit.  I don't say no (because I want so badly to have them come, I really, really do), but then I cry because after they leave I feel empty but only because I felt like my girls wanted them more then me.  I am sure its insecurities.  I know its my sin and pride welling up.  I hate it.  BUT the feelings are real.  I am not sure how to process through them.  Its like a constant battle of YES and then NO and then ERRGGH...!!  I want it and then I know I cant have it and it provides relief knowing I don't have to do it and yet part of me wants it and then when I want it I feel guilty.  (see its emotionally draining)

So friends - if you have come and visited me.  Don't think it wasnt worth it, it was! (I loved being with you, you are special to me)  Its just hard.  I am learning how to be less social and still having my social needs being met.  Me crying isnt a sign of something intentionally bad you did - but rather feeling emotionally drained. 

LASTLY - we humbly ask you to admire our Ethiopian 'princesses' by respecting our space (i say this with much love). We are the only ones that can provide their needs (i.e. change their diaper, put on their coat, feed them meals, pick them up when they want to be picked up, do their hair, give them baths, etc...etc...etc...).  We know you are good willed in asking if you can hold them or help us with them.  For goodness sakes have you seen us?  We look like a three ring circus.  I do need help :)  BUT its just this season of life that we are in.  Its crazy, its hard and its busy BUT its just how its going to be!  So as you walk by me and you see me chasing my three year old as I am holding one of the twins as she is crying and reaching out for you to please take her so she can have fun playing with you and being admired....just smile and say HI and add on 'we love you kim and respect you (because this is what you want), so we stay here and pray for you!!'  I am okay with you talking to me, please don't ignore me...!  I know its hard on your end too when you don't know what is a boundary not to be crossed and what is okay to do.  We can work through this together....I will be grace-filled and understanding...and I pray you as well will when we ask you to maybe not hold them or provide them with their needs being met!!

One other thing - please don't feel slighted if it appears others might seem more comfortable with the girls or me.  It might be okay that they are acting comfortable (based on levels of safety and security our family has placed around us) OR it might hard on me as it is not safe and secure for us or the twins, but we don't know how to communicate the uncomfortableness to them!  (in other words...its hard to say no!)

So there are my thoughts....sorry if it makes no sense.  Its just been an emotional last few days of trying to process through all of this.  I thought it might be therapeutic to blog all of this for my own sanity.  Sorry you get to be part of it.....

Go with grace.....